You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
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baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
High school field trip, I caused a panic when visiting a World War One trench in Ypres. Stood on something metallic that crunched under my foot. Refused to move. People panicked that I had stood on an old land mine. Cue police, firefighters, army, bomb disposal. It was a Coke can
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
What to make for dinner: the chicken with the green things they hate, the chicken with the sauce they hate, or the plain chicken they hate?
my wife: “we should go to that buffet where you slipped on fettuccine alfredo you spilled while running to the cheese fountain”
me: “you’ll have to be more specific”
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
Microsoft: “Press any key to continue.”
Also Microsoft: “Well, except THAT one.”