You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
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Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
Slipping the bouncer a twenty and asking him to rough me up a little on the way out
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE