You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
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Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
sitting in front of a man and woman on the train who have hit it off and lord, this is better than drugs
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
11: dad I have a confession
me: oh boy. What.
11: last night before you said it was bedtime I made a plate of nachos and put them under my bed. Then I ate them after bed time
me: 😂 how did you get your brother not to tattle?
9: I paid him off in nachos
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
With the right amount of pressure I can make my forehead look like a brain – could be useful
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?