You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
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A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
Bruh
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
Thank you Ortega, these tacos are gonna rock
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
Who will replace Daniel Craig as James Bond
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
calling in to work dehydrated
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
Drugs don’t ruin lives
Drug tests do
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.