You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
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I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
me when somebody idk start touching me
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.