Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.

teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like

me *raises hand*

teacher: yes good example

Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.

[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”

If you’re thinking of having kids, last night I told my 5 year old what I made for dinner and he said “Ew, gross,” then three minutes later I caught him eating a booger.

Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?

Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.

a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down

‘m developing a new fragrance for introverts

It’s called “Leave me the fuh cologne”

For those who are Struggling with English:

Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo not

Follow me for more advice…

Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.

“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.

It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.

maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them

Honest job application:

On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.

I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.

For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.

My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭

*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them

“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me

*in public restroom*

Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.

Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*

Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects

Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again

Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me

Me:

Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening

If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.

So this one time, a friend asked me to PLEASE read a book so we could talk about it.

I read it… and I was like, um… I didn’t really like it…

Her: *happily* I know, right? Neither did I!

And I think this is my villain origin story.

[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy

Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.

“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”

If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.

[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail