You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
You Might Also Like
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
Show me a better name for a sugar company.
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
Maybe the smartest thing I’ve ever done in my life is give the Democratic party a fake phone number every time i donate
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.