You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
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whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
Nobody told me that when you get a husband the ears are sold separately.
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
Unimpressed
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you