Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.

Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.

My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.

The 9 levels of midwestern anger

9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”

[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”

Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.

Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.

Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?

Me: Because you’re also a wreck.

[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”

Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂

Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.

The job market has never been worse and LinkedIn still thinks it’s smart to send notifications like “you got a message! It’s an ad btw!” If this website existed in the physical realm I would hit it with my car

why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human

My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face

Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.

(before sex)

*sings national anthem

I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no

how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes

Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.

“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.

I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins

Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.

Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.

me: (11 pm) 😴

me: (1 am) 😴

me: (3 am) 😴

me: (5 am) 😴

me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!

Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one

My Alexa can now understand my toddler.

Pray for me.

[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality

I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.

Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?

{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}

It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.

Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*

this bad boy can fit so many waves in it

On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings