You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
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My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
“So it’s sausages in a kind of fat pancake?”
“It’s called a Yorkshire Pudding”
“Ah, ok, so we’ll call it sausages in Yorkshire Pudding?”
“No, we’ll call it Toad in the Hole”
”Sorry what?”
“And we’ll call the dessert…”
“How about just steamed pudding?”
”…Spotted Dick”
“I see…”
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
Hey everyone, power is back after a week of Groundhog Day! I am so happy I don’t know whether to shit or go blind. I don’t have a clue what that means but Grandma used to say it!
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
subtitles are so good nowadays
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
guys i’ve cracked the code
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…