Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
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Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
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