You can use an egg timer to tell you when your egg is cooked perfectly. For brown rice you can use a calendar.
You Might Also Like
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.