You can use an egg timer to tell you when your egg is cooked perfectly. For brown rice you can use a calendar.
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I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing