You can use an egg timer to tell you when your egg is cooked perfectly. For brown rice you can use a calendar.
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Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
If you go back in time to 2009 and tell anyone Daniel Radcliffe & Jonathan Groff would become Tony winning besties they would probably be like “Wow 2024 is a magical place” & then you’d have to be like “Nah that’s like the one good thing.”
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
today a man told me that he didn’t like my piercings then got mad when i said he looked like a thumb.
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
Made a mistake at work and my supervisor was like, “this is magical” so I said “ta-da!” and they laughed and this is how I will be announcing all of my mistakes from now on.
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Rock stars’ children have very strange names.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup