You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
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My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
Doctor: There is a drawback to this drug. It really knocks you out. You could be dead to the world for 12 hours or more.
Me: And the drawback?
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
Schools be like there’s not enough shit at the end of the year can you also get your kid a white elephant gift for a class party tomorrow?
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
please don’t get up in the snake’s face to see if it’s more diamond or oval
just leave the danger noodle alone
sincerely,
a medical toxicologist