You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
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so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Most fashion shows these days…
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.