You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
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My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
I really want to retire but these stupid bills just keep
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
Sick of people thinking the Midwest is just a bunch of small towns and cornfields when they forgot it’s also a lot of road construction, inconsistent weather, and deer that jump in front of your car
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
When you have to use a public restroom.
My purse is deeper than some people.
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
Dates are weird like ok I guess I’ll dress up for my romantic interview
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS