You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
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Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.