Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels

HER: Shouldn’t it be –

HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Dr: You have palpitations

Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?

Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA

Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]

Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!

My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!

Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.

Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit

Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.

Therapist: …I gathered.

Me: [screams]

There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.

Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.

I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.

I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario

[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

waiter: bread for the table?

me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)

How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?

Wives – 3

Men – What?

I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship

Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner

The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.

An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.

I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.

[5 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.

[8 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.

[Next morning, 6 AM]
Me: Did you put your homework in your backpack? Child: I will.

[8 AM]
Text from child at school: you won’t believe this

Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.

My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat

pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost

Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰

My baby:

What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?

Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat

Exec: not convinced

Writer: they’re mutants?

Exec: it needs to appeal to kids

Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists

My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies

ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned

VET: This is a dog

As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.

I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.

*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel