Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.

There was a sudden Jeff in the family

Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes

Look Ma, no handle on things

Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.

Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?

Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate

Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this

Therapist: actually you absolutely are

“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”

“Sir, this is a cheese counter”

I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.

But the haters are really getting to me.

1/

Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!

VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.

Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco

Conversations get real after midnight.

11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”

12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”

A choir of Spring onions

hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concerned

let’s talk

Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.

Corgi: why are my legs so short?

God: that’s just what legs look like.

Corgi: oh cool.

[giraffe walks by]

Corgi:

God: you weren’t supposed to see that.

I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.

What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?

<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-

Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.

A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.

priest: you may now kiss the pride

me: excuse me?

priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*

*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*

“This is just ridiculous”

What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy

All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.

I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…

Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.

*about to die*

Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!

*life flashes before my eyes*

Me: Oh, right.

Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i

Other Titanic lookout: hmmm

*Calling from the bakery

Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”

Her: “Surprise me!”

Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”

Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.

I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.

INSTRUCTIONS:

1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.