You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
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This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
Imagine how many people would be archers if we had to hunt tacos like ducks
me and the Superbowl rn
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me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
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You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
My mum just messaged to say that yesterday she turned off her 20 year old PC, ‘at the wall’, without shutting it down properly. ‘That couldn’t have caused anything, could it?’ 😂
‘Probably’.
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
doing some research
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my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
I’m so single even my husband won’t match with me on tinder..
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.