Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home

9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.

everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe

I get a bunch of targeted ads asking me to donate my sperm. and I’m down as long as they don’t use it for making babies.

I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭

I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.

My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.

Everyone else: hold my beer

Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit

Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?

My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.

We are 47 years old.

Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”

(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?

I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.

[used car lot]

Customer: Do you have any mini vans?

Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall

😞

*goes to the gym*

*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*

*hurries to the bar*

*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?

*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*

GUY: HA! You flinched

ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-

GUY: *actually punches me*

“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.

Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.

Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.

*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.

Hilarious if literal: arms race

I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.

The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.

I wrote myself a note to be more organized. It’s here somewhere.

Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.

Me: Dear Santa…

Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.

Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.

Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛