You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
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Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
What even happened today?
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
satan: not today, microsoft teams
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
millennials had years of computer classes where it was drilled into us “THE INTERNET IS FOREVER” and “DON’T OPEN SPAM EMAILS” and “CITE YOUR SOURCES” and then boomers were given internet access like tossing keys to a drunk and telling them to have fun.
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
Terminator: [arriving in 2024, current timeline] yikes, send me back
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.