You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
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Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around