You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
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prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
Cottage cheese isn’t cheese at all. That just a curd to me.
Do you think people who play for the philharmonic say “today I woke up and chose violins” because if they don’t they totally should
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.