Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Never forget.

I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.

The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.

Then:
Me: I want McDonald’s

Mom: Do you have McDonald’s money?

Now:
Mom: I want grandkids

Me: Do you have grandkids money??

[in conference room]

Coworker: What time is it?

Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*

I like to diffuse situations with humor

And a machete

Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.

“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”

Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation

guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood

My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.

A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.

I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”

wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying

You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult

Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.

Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.

*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Work crush came by to drop off zip ties while I was on the phone so I missed the opportunity to smile creepily and say “sorry we had to ask, I just don’t keep zip ties around… anymore.” Bc that’s how I flirt.

I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!

Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.

Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.

“Whatcha doin’ right now?”
“Finishing up some emails.“
“Wrong. You’re drivin’ me to Petco.”
“Why? You have plenty of food.”
“I’ll also need you to wait in the car.”
“Wait, what?”
“And, keep it running.”
“What’s going on here, Max?”
“Nothin’. I just gotta see a guy about a thing.”

I told my neighbor Terry my chili recipe so now we’re not allowed to fly on the same plane in case it goes down and the recipe is lost forever.

I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.

When someone asks me why I’m in a wheelchair, I want to say something ridiculous like, “I’m not standing up until my grandson gets a Golden Ticket to Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.”

Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.

My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.

Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.

The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical