[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
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My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
me: family! regale me with tales of your day!
5: good
2: yes
hubs: same
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
When I lived in DC I once overheard a man tell a woman in a bar: “if the 19 people ahead of me all died one day, I’d be the acting Secretary of Agriculture.”
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
My tire pressure won’t make up it’s mind. Are we married?
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.