You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
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*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
Told my kids the music video Land of confusion by Genesis freaked me out as a kid, so they wanted to watch it…Freaked them out too. Family traditions are important
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
With Laughter the L comes first, the rest comes aughter
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
Whoever ordered a white Christmas and had it shipped via FedEx, it’s finally out for delivery.
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
Robots are now performing major surgeries, which means my dream of having the Fox NFL robot give me a prostate exam is closer than ever.
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
some cats are just doing for fun!
My kids tried to explain Skibidi Toilet to me.
To my parents, who were always confused by all the weird things I was into: I’m sorry.