You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
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Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
There’s something about Dracula I just don’t trust
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.