You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
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We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
8-year-old: Are you going to Meet the Teacher Night?
Me: Do you want me to meet your teacher?
8: No.
Now I’m definitely going.
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
How come the person who developed the algorithm that makes IMDB think Prison Break’s “More like this” should include Bing Bang Theory gets to keep their job?
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”