You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
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If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
jokingly asked my coworker why the flag outside our building was at half mast today and he completely seriously said “for James Earl Jones i think?”
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’