Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:

Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger

Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.

Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.

My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?

Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.

Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.

ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.

me: this could’ve been an email

[gets email]

me: no not like that

“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night

(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?

Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.

Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.

I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on

You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.

In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison

Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*

a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary

They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.

Well, they’re not laughing now.

sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them

*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”

Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.

Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.

[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.

My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.

I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.

Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!

Him : Which one?

Me : I only have one face, Carl.

5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.

*pushes their faces together*

Me: Did they kiss and make up?

5: No. She headbutted him.

Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.

i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer

I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.

Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?