Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the only career advice i have is make every decision that moves you closer to not having to be on linkedin

[Commercial for commercials]

ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?

2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black

2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos

Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.

Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.

Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.

(Inventing bathroom stalls)

Guy: should the door touch the ground

Other guy: how would we see their shoes?

If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.

it’s dangerous to go alone, take this

Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.

*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matches

Cashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”

*wine
*tampons

Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out

My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning

I don’t do that

Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”

Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.

Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments

Not being an heiress has ruined my life

I went to the dentist to get a crown put in. Told the hygienist I was there for my coronation. Then apologized for being the several hundredth person to say that. She said I was the first!

Why did they call it a Megalodon and not a Sea-Rex

I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?

It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.

I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet

*is taken back to a Christmas Eve in my 20s*

Me: Oh, wow! Look how skinny I am! Look at my flat belly before having my kids! Look how well rested I am! Look at…

Ghost of Christmas Past: *sighs* That’s not what the point of this is

I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.

I don’t believe him.

Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.

Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work

SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER

“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”

*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter

I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.

Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.

You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.