You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
You Might Also Like
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
buying a used car and telling people it’s a rescue
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
Millennial weddings be like “what do you mean you have to go home already? We’ve only been screaming Fall Out Boy songs at each other for four hours and the midnight pizza isn’t even here yet. You’re going to miss the sparkler exit!”
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
Twitter is an abusement park.
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
Feels like there should be a middle ground
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that