Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.

Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.

WebMD: With the fishes.

Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.

8-year-old: Why?

Me: For what you did last night.

8: You were supposed to forget about that.

(after sex)

Would you mind completing this brief survey?

Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.

My bf said he was sick of my jokes about ghosts having sex with owls.

Well, boo-fucking-hoo.

When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.

My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5

*walks into a restaurant*

Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.

Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card

My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.

“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot

“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wife

Same

What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?

“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?

Whatever it is, I’m that

Florida be like…

My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.

I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words

Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.

My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!

Him: I like powerful women.

Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*

what’s your favorite christmas song about punching a cough drop? mine’s deck the halls

Bear

A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.

I ate a bag of Doritos and immediately followed it with half a giant bag of gummy bears and surprisingly enough I do not feel good now

Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.

[Dracula before he got braces]

:F

I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’

*Lies on the couch*

The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs

At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.

My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.

Cop: Can you explain how you got here?

Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born

Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?

It’s not a question of when will my daughter say mommy, it’s a question of when won’t she