You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
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Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
Joseph Smith, 1833
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby