You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
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Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
“comparison is the thief of joy” well sure if you’re a loser
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
The second world war should have been called world war returns