You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
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2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
Not sure how it’s happened but my phone has started autocorrecting ‘thinking’ to ‘honking’ which has dramatically undermined about 90% of texts I’ve sent recently
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
I really hate when people derail normal tweets with their own upsetting lore. You’ll be like “it’s great when grandparents are active in kids’ lives” and someone is like “well ok but my grandmother literally went to jail for killing my parents and is currently on the loose??”
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
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When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
Practicing safe sax
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My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?