Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that

Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?

Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.

Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans

I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.

If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?

the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear

I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.

Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?

Me: Bed Bath & Beyond

Wife: You used a coupon right?

Me: Coupon?

*wife faints*

Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.

Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?

Me: We were robbed.

Husband: They only took the cookies?

Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?

Her: undress me with your words

Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?

My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc

If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.

i’m sick of blessings in disguise. i am ready for a blessing with absolutely no disguise whatsoever

brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died

When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!

All the slides were just pictures of me….

[steps on scale]

Me *shrugs*: New year, more me

Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?

weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel

App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories

Dieting Parents:

App Designer: It’s great, right…

Dieting Parents:…

App Designer:

Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.

*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.

I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.

Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS

If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?

If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats

Nice try, poison.

they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly

A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”

like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.