You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
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“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
I’m too immature for adultery.
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
(yawn)
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.