You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
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Whoever’s responsible for the Microsoft outage is getting fired anyway, so the smart thing to do would be knock Teams out for the day too and leave a hero.
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
yes, national anxiety is high, but at least it also gets dark at 4pm
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
you’d think the thing in my house with the most cat hair on it would be my cat
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
Dating app for hypochondriacs called Twinge.
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘