You can’t believe it’s autumn already? Please stop expressing surprise at the linear nature of time. The correct emotion is disappointment.
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Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
[on my deathbed]
“Grandchildren…great-grandchildren. I want to give you the best advice I can offer from a life well-lived. Don’t read the comments.”
*dies*
That must be a pretty powerful blow dryer if it’s causing them to slow down
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
these can’t be my only options
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
They have creatures Noah didn’t bring into his ark. It’s a no
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
New librarian said “I haven’t worked much with youth. How do you tell tweens from teens?”
“You know they’re tweens if they gather loudly around the computers and horse around in the restrooms.”
“And the teens?”
“You can tell they’re teens if they’re not here in the library.”
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
Nice try, poison.
Who remembers when Pixar had blooper reels in movies 🤣
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.