Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]

Me: *nods in agreement*

*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?

Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?

What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?

An acquaintance

What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?

If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.

Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm

Tony the Tiger: great

“i’m a top” “i’m a bottom” okay well I’M gonna pop some tags, only got $20 in my pocket

I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.

“I can’t wait to nail you later”

*whispers to the new picture I just bought*

Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.

When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying

Look, I respect the skill. But no.

[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.

when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.

Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.

[marriage counseling]

She thinks I make bad decisions

“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”

PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN

[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESS

MURDERER: What?

ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on

Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’

Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’

Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’

From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”

Poetry is low key problematic. Writing down your feelings in an abstract way and then putting the emotional labor of processing it on me? You know I’m an empath right?

Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.

Is it because I’m brown??

(At the Gym)

Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.

Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face

I think…I think I swallowed it.

Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan

There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.

Not to brag but I clean my house once a year whether it needs it or not.

[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]

ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please

sensitive skin

i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.

The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.