You can’t believe it’s autumn already? Please stop expressing surprise at the linear nature of time. The correct emotion is disappointment.
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Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
Home #decor warning.
me when the shower won’t work: is this you craig or do I have to call a plumber?
the guy who haunts my house that I have a good relationship with: not me dawg
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.