You can’t believe it’s autumn already? Please stop expressing surprise at the linear nature of time. The correct emotion is disappointment.
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I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
nature’s most graceful animal
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
Me: *making tea*
Also me 6 minutes later: what the hell is that whistling sound?!
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”