Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
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If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
s
oc
i
a
l
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.