You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
You Might Also Like
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
I’m starting a petition to get abacuses mounted on to all Zimmer Frames. I hope I can count on your support.
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.