You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
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Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
no one ever comes back
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
Running from your problems is cardio .
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.