You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
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[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
If your store’s bowl of water is just for pets you should really put up a sign.
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.