“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
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When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
Crowdstrike : its fine u just have to manually visit the PC boot it into safe mode and remove a sys file
US Organization with 50,000 pcs and a completely outsourced IT department in Bangalore : what
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
I hope they don’t ban TikTok because it’s the only thing keeping my wife awake when we watch Netflix.
People ask “how did the Victorians come up with crazy stories like Dracula and Dorian Gray” and then you realize literally everything was poison. The wallpaper was coated in arsenic, babies were given opium for teething problems, you could die from wearing a hat
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
Today’s meltdown is brought to you because when your kid asked for a “plain pb&j,” what they actually wanted was a pb&j in the shape of a plane
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.