“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
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1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
Ores being fire proof makes me think maybe the Oreo doomsday vault is real after all.
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
When I was a kid, Mom always wanted me to come to dinner immediately, even if I was playing a game. If I complained, she would say “I don’t care if Mario dies!” Which is probably why my neighbor Mario stopped coming over to play basketball.
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
October already? What’s next? November????
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
I can easily control the weather.
– buy a new $600 snowblower: no snow all winter
– spend $2000 on new gutters: severe drought
– buy steaks to grill outside: Sharknado
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..