“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
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*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
my 10 year old son is about to start trombone lessons this year at school.
his band teacher’s intro email has me howling!
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
Auto correct is my worst enema.
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
I’m so full I could puke a horse
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them