“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
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My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
yes, those are my real potatoes.
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.