Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve reached the part of my summer where I’m excited that I’ll soon be able to stop checking my kids’s heads for ticks and go back to just checking for lice

[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?

waiter: no they can’t reach the table

Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣

Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.

Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.

The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.

Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.

I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.

cat: *unresponsive*

bartender: get this catatonic

The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…

…again.

Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.

DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*

Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets

Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.

[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]

Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-

Dracula’s son: they do the mash

Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash

Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶

Death Row inmate: how did you get in here

“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”

-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.

dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing

me (slyly): yes

Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.

AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving

ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea

We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to

I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.

Sheep to the left of me. Cows to the right. Here I am. Stuck on a bus with a view.

Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold

Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*

My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.

Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.

My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.

Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.

{job interview}

Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?

Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty

Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*

He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.