Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?

That’s bullshit.

[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs

[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me

How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.

Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.

“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”

-me in every social situation

i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.

Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.

COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ

There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.

It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.

[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.

3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.

I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.

My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too

[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”

Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby

Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.

friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.

me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?

One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”

When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out

nurse: name?

me: david

nurse: age?

me: 35

nurse: sex?

me: almost once

Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs

If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.

Guy who doesn’t respect the walkie talkie rules: Ugh, I’m so hungover

Guy who does: rlly 👀? Over

Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.

Me: I wonder why my lower back hurts

My period: yeah what a mystery

I have said this before, but it’s weird when you realize that what you thought was rock bottom was actually somewhere around rock middle

My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.

I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed