“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
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Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.