You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
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Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
If you ever see a daft looking bloke on a horse, don’t request that he holds your spear. Ask a silly equestrian, get a silly lancer.
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
My partner is sending me slides from orientation at her new job and it’s all like
– No more than 80 hours per week!
– 4 days guaranteed off per month!
– Shifts are capped at 28 hours!
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol