Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout

FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.

Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?

Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.

If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.

You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha

You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.

The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse

Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.

MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger

I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.

Doctor: Are you sexually active?

Me: You’ve already written no

Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess

Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess

The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop

“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”

– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology

Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now

Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”

Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”

Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”

I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.

Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.

What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.

Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.

Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected

Airport security: no liquids on the plane

Me: ok *starts drinking it*

Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo

The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.

the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark

CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk

Me: I’ll never talk

CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]

[two hours later]

Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?

CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?

Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.

no way 😭

Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?

Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”

I received a bank alert text for suspicious activity. I was buying fruit.

How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good