Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?

Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.

I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days

[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know

Therapist: How’s your narcissism?

Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”

Wanted:
1 Psychic.

You know who you are.

Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.

Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.

“What’s wrong with our country?”

OBAMA!

“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”

OBAMA!

That burrito didn’t agree with me.

And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”

[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone

If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.

Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*

When I was young I fixed my parents’ computer and now that I’m older I fix computers for my kids. Are we the only generation that knows how computers work?

[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]

“Ptequila, pthanks.”

*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*

“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”

I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.

Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.

Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.

“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.

My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.

Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”

My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.

My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married

My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.

Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.

I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.

I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.

Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?

Me: Oh no!

Wife: What?

Me: Bankruptsea!

1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*

– Freezer Inspector –

My wife just opened my car door for me.

Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.

At what age should you put the tonsils back in