Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.

Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.

Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.

Is that cheesecake?

(At the Gym)

Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.

Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face

I think…I think I swallowed it.

My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”

*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*

Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”

Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess

Cop: any alcohol or drugs, sir?
Me: No thanks, getting those things from a cop seems kinda setup-ish

*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog

It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.

[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me

When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.

I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.

[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]

“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”

Here

“Aren’t you going to guess?”

Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?

Day Two: Murder

It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.

I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.

“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”

-first taxidermist

All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.

-lies parents tell themselves

I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them

First base: drinks

Second base: hooking up

Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication

There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving

She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.

I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.

[heaven]

darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this

I’d love this before and after shot…lol

*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*

My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.

… and dates.

*pops kid’s balloon*

*kid cries and runs away*

*picks up kid’s cake*

Husband: wtf is wrong with you?

Me: his piece was bigger!!

If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son

“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born

Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.