You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
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[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
Moments before my plane doors closed this guy rushes on and goes “I MADE IT BOYS” and like 10 dudes scattered around the plane started cheering and he high fived them all as he went to his seat. Their boys weekend in Bozeman is about to be a feature film
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
Wealthy person whose material needs are met without question who also meditates sometimes: Meditation is my secret weapon.
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
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#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
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People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
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