You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
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[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
– That Spiderman actor just asked if he could borrow a strand of metal to tie a honey-making insect’s coffee cup to the back of his car.
– Tow bee mug wire?
– No, Tom Holland.
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon