YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
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I got a call the other day from my daughter asking if I could keep her kids over the long weekend so I said that would be fine
I don’t have a daughter, so some poor bastard is getting stuck with kids this weekend that he’s not ready for
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
“Strap in ladies, it’s going to be a bumpy ride,” I say as I put on my extra supportive sports bra before my workout.
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
That’s no pocket rocket.
