Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Breaking news:

I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain

Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.

*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*

“This is just ridiculous”

me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]

Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.

You’re like a gym membership.

You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.

i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch

Them: your little girl is such a sweetheart

Me: [knowing my kids are just like me] give it a minute

My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?

“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”

I slowly look up. My time has come…

5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.

Me: Yup, that’s right.

5: And my brother will be 9.

Me: Good job.

5: And you’ll be fort-

Me: That’s enough math for now.

Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?

[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything

[Battleship: Guilt Edition]

Friend: B6

Me: You sunk my Battleship

Friend: Hah yes!

Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children

The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”

There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.

lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”

What did u do last night?

Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey

Don’t u mean sorrows?

Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?

Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.

I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.

Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.

Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.

ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter

Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there

I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726

Date: I’m a vegan.

Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.

[in the woods]

Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*

Deer: I have a boyfriend

Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?

[A few hours later]

Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*

Surround yourself with people who google the menu of the restaurant beforehand.