Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit

I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one

Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!

Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*

Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor

Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.

Watching women’s tennis and getting angry at the net. We shouldn’t put needless obstacles in the way of women.

whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on

ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.

PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!

ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?

Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.

Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.

[1st date]

*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*

*but also, be sensitive*

I like to work with my hands,

But splinters make me cry.

[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]

[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot

4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!

*tries*

4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?

She’s not the first to ask me that.

I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.

*First day as a boxing cornerman*

Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what

This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.

If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.

my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood

NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.

ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?

WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.

Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.

You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?

I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”

At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.

My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’

Same, kid. Same.

Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex

A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having

I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.

Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.

A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.