You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
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I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
i know that the frontal lobe is not developed before age 25 because i got married when i was 24 and decided to get my first ever spray tan spontaneously on the day of my wedding.
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
There is a house I drive by most days and I can never tell if they are having a yard sale or that is just how they live.
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
who else up pondering the strange drawings on their door
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
Every laptop should have a “cat” button that disables the keyboard so they can nap