Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.

He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.

Google Maps should start screaming the more wrong turns you make

What about second breakfast?

Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.

It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying

Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.

thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs

Burning rubber…

While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad

Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not

Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.

I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.

I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.

Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?

Me: Lol I know right

Therapist: For real though

Me: Can you imagine haha

Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion

Me: Wait, that’s an option?

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.

An odd boast

*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?

“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers

Ladies,

Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.

Men

Why did they call it a Megalodon and not a Sea-Rex

I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.

Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.

I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.

gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”

When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.

Congrats to the “artist” who superimposed the face of King Charles onto a fingerpainting of a pomegranate.

Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.

Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread

How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?