You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
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Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
This makes total sense…
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
👾👾👾
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
If you want to mess with a pompous English major, tell him you’re “flustrated.”
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?