You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
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ok hear me out: Luigiana
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
*dangling legs in the ocean*
🦈: is for me 👉👈🥺
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
Friend: Did you see that movie about The Substance?
Me, thinking they’re talking about Flubber: Yeah, wow. Just wow.
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.