You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
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I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
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Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
A Toronto restaurant has banned actor Zachary Quinto for throwing a tantrum during brunch. If you don’t know who Zachary Quinto is, he’s best known for throwing a tantrum at a Toronto restaurant during brunch.
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
HR gave me some amazing advice for dealing with stress. It really works. To release anger, just write letters to the people you hate then burn them. Not sure what you do with the letters though.
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?