You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
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I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
An octopus approaches his arch enemy the cat with a gun in each arm. He hears a soft chuckle: “You’re one short, my friend.”
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.