You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
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The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
me: did I notice an off brand dish detergent in your apartment?
girl who would never date me bc I’m always trying to sell stuff but she feels lonely during the holidays: yes
me: does it cut thru the grease and grime?
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
Got kicked out of the gang for taking instant photos of the homies and calling them brolaroids
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
turning my gender off to conserve energy
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.