You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
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Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
Me: Want to go to your classmate’s birthday party?
7yo: Yes, I love him! He’s my favorite! We’re best friends!
Me: What does he like so we can get him a present?
7yo: I don’t know.
Broke a plate. Now it’s Canadian.
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
There are usually two types of merchants.
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant