You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
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Denise please return my vape pen
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
Death certificates are our last participation award.
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”