Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶

His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased

me: clean your room
teen: okay

(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!

(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*

And now we wait.

ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight

PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*

I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.

The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.

Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.

Smiles from ear to ear.

Wife: what are you smiling about?

Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard

Wife: God I love that dog.

My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.

Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you

Cats: no it’s murder

I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean

“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”

Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.

Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.

I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.

How toddlers and cats are alike:
– they’re cutest when they’re asleep
– they will absolutely destroy your sofa
– they both eat out of the cat’s bowl

Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.

It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.

did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment

I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you

If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.

I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.

“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood

Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body

My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream

As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant

He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices

I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine

Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.

Twitter.

Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today

If you have joint pain..

You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.

Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”

Doctor: “40”

Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.

I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.