You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
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“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
has anybody else completely lost it or is it
just me and kanye
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Managing expectations
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
Botany good plants lately?
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
