“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
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My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
Be the elephant you wish to see in the room.
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
honestly, i need both:
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
Sorry I was late I was frantically applying to other jobs
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
Chemical wingman
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50