“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
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Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
You ever go to a baseball game and hear a guy yelling, “hotdogs! hotdogs!” over and over again?
That’s me, looking for hotdogs.
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
What if you’re only given pork to eat in the afterlife? Would that be eternal hamnation?
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Good morning.
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
When I grow up, I want to be 16
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?